so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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