he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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