I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
with your own penis?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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