the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
