I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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