Soap is not a condiment
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Drunk is not a location!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize