My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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