Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
