I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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