My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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