were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
