she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she looked like the before picture.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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