you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize