my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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