one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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