Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize