i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
