I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize