I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
