I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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