She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize