Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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