Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
