accomplished twins. life is a go
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
