walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
