you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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