the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
