so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
