Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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