Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
