And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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