Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
