I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
