You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize