I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I believe in your delicious
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
