Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I want to be your penis for a week.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize