Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
