feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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