Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
