end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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