4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Damn victory sex feels great
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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