If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
