i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
