What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
