im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
