I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize