I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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