my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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