addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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