I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
