I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize