does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
