just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
