mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
