Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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