No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
