my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
