Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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