Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
