I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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