I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize