Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
