i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
