where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
