You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
