We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
