Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
