i permit you to call me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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